Pride and Approval

Pride: the quality or state of being proud
Proud: having or displaying excessive self esteem.

Sigh….Why are my posts so heavy these days? My life isn’t this heavy at all. In fact, I’m pretty sure these ARE the good ol’ days. I’m at home with my babies every day. We sleep til 9:00, cuddle on the couch, read books, roll around on the floor, go for walks and play in the dirt. They still like me, want to be near me, listen to me when I talk, and believe what I say. Life is good.

But pride has a hold of me. Pride makes it really difficult to fundraise for this adoption. A few people wonder why we don’t just wait until we can pay for it ourselves. Let me just tell you, I wanted to. I wanted to be able to do this without the help of others. I wanted to be totally self reliant and sufficient. But I’m certain God had other plans. I don’t know how to explain why we had to do the adoption now except to say that my heart told me so. We put it off for months. We were told no by several agencies and were somewhat relieved. Being told yes would’ve meant that we wouldn’t have time to save for the adoption and would have to fundraise-gasp! But neither of us were at peace with that. God kept pulling us toward adoption even though we hadn’t had time to save. We were restless at the thought of a child over there waiting for us to get our crap together and swallow our pride. What would you do, huh? If God put this kind of hurt in your heart? Would you tell Him no, not now? Would you tell God the creator of everything (even money) that you needed more time to save? What if He whispered “just trust ME to provide”? God put this hurt in our hearts knowing good and well that we aren’t in a place financially to adopt. Every single day God tells me to swallow my pride and obey Him. Trust Him. Blindly take this leap of faith and let Him be victorious. Even if some people don’t like it, understand it, or agree with it.

That leaves me to another issue. The issue of needing approval. This is even more challenging than asking for money. I can justify adoption fundraising. I can’t defend my need for approval. And trust me, there’s a few that flat out disapprove. I hate that. I’m a people pleaser to the core and this just kills me. I’m learning that I can quote scripture til I’m blue in the face and they aren’t going to change. Nothing I can say or do will cause them to approve or understand this adoption. I can’t change them. What I haven’t learned yet, is to focus on God. Don’t look to the right or the left, even if my naysayers are there taunting me.