Never-ending Survival Wheel

Confession: I’m feeling guilty over the fact that it’s 2:00 in the afternoon and I’m in bed under an electric blanket “working”. My kids are napping (aka in-and-out of bed time) and Carey is at work watching mice exhaust themselves on the never ending exercise wheel. This makes me laugh to think of and I can imagine God and His angels watch me doing the same thing every day. I run in circles all day going nowhere and getting nothing done. But God is working on me. Those of you who know me, won’t at all be surprised by confession #2: I’m a slob. Lazy, unorganized, careless, and quite frankly filthy, slob. Now, God is at work in this area and by His grace I soon will be off the never-ending survival wheel. That’s what it’s called around here because things are so crazy-busy that all you can do is hope to survive until things stop spinning. I don’t know what that looks like in your life, but in my life it looks like this: the house is a wreck! Shove everything in a drawer, any drawer, so that it’s out of sight but not gone forever. Because you know, it takes a whole 10 seconds to look at the object and decide whether it’s worth keeping or trashing. Or: No clean clothes! Stuff as much into the washer as possible, do 10 loads of laundry in one day, and then never put them away. Let them stay in 10 laundry baskets in my bedroom for 2 weeks until we’ve worn all of the wrinkled clothes and have to start all over again. The same techniques apply to cooking, cleaning, and crafting. This lifestyle used to work when I was single. Never was it practical or effective, but it worked. Surviving then and surviving as a medical spouse with 2 toddlers, 2 dogs, a cat, and a pending international adoption? Umm, yeah. Not working out so well. There’ve been a few breakdowns in the last 2 weeks. I’ve thrown more temper tantrums than my toddlers combined and fortunately, God is full of patience and mercy. It’s clear to me that this isn’t a coincidence. God is putting all of my avoidances in my face and making me deal with them. Self-discipline. Rebellion. Submission. Pride. I’m on a crash course in life lessons and these are the curriculum. Did you know cleaning out dresser drawers could be so meaningful? It’s ridiculous really, but necessary. How can God give me other responsibilities if I can’t handle running my own home? I’m learning self-discipline by realizing that I’ve worked too dang hard to put this house in order, by-golly, so those dishes will NOT sit in the sink taunting me. And I’ve wrestled 36 tubs of infant clothes, toys, and random crap I stuffed into boxes, so that load of laundry is going where it belongs. I’m even learning that my children can wait 20 seconds longer while I properly put things back where they belong instead of leaving piles on the kitchen counter. These are things that maybe came naturally to you, but where not enforced with me. I naturally resist routine and schedule. For 10 years it’s been because of my ADHD. While I still have that chemical imbalance, I’m recognizing that the majority of my issue is due to a lack of self-discipline and rebellion against submission. Submission to anything that requires me to do anything I don’t feel like doing at the time, such as following through with tasks. This is pretty deep, huh? No kidding, even I’m confused by it!

Here’s what I know: God is using the home study process to help me organize my life, develop self-discipline, and learn to suck it up and submit to doing what I don’t want to do. This goes against 30 years of habits- wait a minute! I thought I had avoided habits, routines, and schedule? My rebellion only led me to a false sense of being a free-spirit. I was actually a slave to destructive habits and routines that kept me on that never-ending survival wheel. I’m getting off the survival wheel now. Goodbye irritability and wasted time. So-long selfishness. Things will stop spinning soon and look a bit more clear. Still busy of course, but not as blurry. Being a slave to the survival wheel meant that I could only see what was right infront of ME. I’m glad to be freed from me and able to see you. We weren’t created as God’s pets running on never-ending survival wheels. He created us to have relationship with Him and His people. You are His people. So…Hello!