Sheep or Goats?

If you’re getting tired of reading about my convictions and how we should give to the poor, well, you might as well skip to my next post. Maybe it’ll make you feel nice and fuzzy inside. :)

For several months I’ve struggled with convictions about loving my neighbor as myself and giving to the least of these. I, for one, do not want to be one of the goats to the left. I’ve also struggled with how to love the Lord your God, with all of your heart and with all of your soul and with all of your strength, while maintaining my existing priorities. And where exactly is my heart if my treasure is in my children? Paul’s life demonstrated clearly that to live is Christ. What does my life demonstrate? To live is… food? Sleeping? Bible studies? Throw a little James in there and a sermon series on stewardship and I’m a wrecked ship!

Now, let’s get one thing out of the way. This isn’t a salvation issue. There’s grace, faith, and works. For a while now, God has been addressing the works. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed for guidance in this department or combed over scripture looking for clear answers. Forgive me for repetition of the word struggle. I really don’t know how else to describe it. As I ran through scripture and visualized the early church, my struggle only deepened. It seems to me that when you consider the teaching of the gospels, study the context in which they are written, breakdown their Hebrew and Greek origins… certain passages still read the same.

Granted, a few minor details have changed with the times, but I can’t seem to get past the fact that if I love God with all of my heart, but don’t love His people as myself, then I kinda don’t really love God with all of my heart. This bothers me, which is a good sign, so I pray for God to break my heart and open my eyes. You know, the same lyrics we all sing in the car, but secretly hope God won’t really act on. Well actually, at first I had to pray for God to give me the desire to pray for those things because I didn’t truly want to pray to feel the pain of others. He heard this request and granted it. Soon I sincerely begged for God to open my eyes and break my heart for others. This too, He granted.

Combine a broken heart for others with total confusion of the New Testament and you get my ship wreck. I’m at a place where I’m totally uncomfortable claiming my devotion to this amazing, incredible, sovereign God, while turning my back on His hurting people and clear commands to care for them. But what does this look like in my life? Am I truly called to surrender all?

This discussion came up recently and left me further in a hole. If God loves us, does He want us to give so much that we can’t take care of ourselves? Do we serve more than we tend to our children? Is it wrong to save and plan for the future? That evening left me with more questions and deeper conviction. I would like to think that God finally led me to this conclusion: He asks differently of each of us at different times. How much more can He be glorified when we’re asked to give in the most inconvenient times? Since we each have our own timelines it makes perfect sense that my answers didn’t align with others’ during the discussion. It doesn’t make anyone right or wrong.

As for my own conviction, tonight before writing I “stumbled upon” 1 John 3:16-18:

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.

I know for certain that I’m going to live this out imperfectly. I know that I still rely heavily on emotion and that interferes with my ability to listen and obey when the Holy Spirit nudges me. I also know that I’m young, naïve, and unsettled in many ways, and these will sometimes make it a little easier to give in to impulse and resist the status quo if asked to do so. My goal is to make it a habit now to put others before myself and resist the urge to get comfortable in life. No comfort here is worth being a goat on the left.

:)